Thirty - Bring It On

The other day I had an epiphany. We were driving down the freeway when all of the sudden several weeks of subtle hints converged into one stunningly clear voice from Heaven. I could swear the clouds parted like they did for King Arthur in Monte Python and the Holy Grail, but with a more extravagant special effects budget.

“What if you have lived your whole life believing that you are different from everyone else, when really, you’re not?”

Thanks a lot, God.

That question literally broke open my world.

. . .

This is the part of my blog where I proceed to open up my sometimes-not-so-pretty insides and tell you about how God has freakin' BLOWN MY MIND.

I love this part. It's my testimony of the Blood of the Lamb that causes me to overcome, right?

 
For a long time now (my whole life), I’ve been tired. I used to get in trouble as a kid for not getting up in the morning after my parents came into my room to wake me up fifty gazillion times. Mean parents.

And now I am a mom! OMG. I AM TIRED. Let’s just be real, moms are probably the most tired people on the planet - except maybe firefighters and nurses, or maybe fitness addicts who work 3 jobs. Or maybe mall cops.
Now that I am a mom, this struggle has been really obviously affecting my life. I have kids to take care of! So when my son wakes up in the morning and I can hardly drag myself out of bed because I am so tired, what do I do? Throw some cereal in a bowl and put on a movie while I walrus on the couch, and when that movie is over put on another one and just hold out until nap time so I can put him to bed and go get in mine? So far that is the best I've been able to come up with for the really bad days. What about the baby? Wow, now I am reallllly tired. A few nights ago I was up every 45 minutes with the baby who decided half of one side every so-very-often was the very best way to nurse through the night.
And let’s not even talk about exercise - I've been so tired for so long, phew. Just thinking about it wears me out. I recently read an article that said if you exercise in the morning it gives you the energy you need to carry you through the day. I've heard people say things like that to me before and it has always puzzled me. I can recall my brain responding, "How in the world can exercise give you energy? I can't even get enough energy to exercise!"

For the last year I have been living in an alternate reality where I didn’t have to face actual reality which is that as long as I live this way, I am not going to accomplish anything but keep my kids alive (hopefully), and maybe blog once in a while. Not exactly my ideal existence.

For the last several months I have been sensing the Lord addressing the issue of exercise-less-ness in my life. I've been seeing him present me with this window of opportunity. Basically, He told me this: "If you start exercising before you turn 30, then I can redeem what was lost over the last 29 years. If you don't, you will lose a portion of your 'inheritance' and never regain it." BOOM

He has also given me some huge revelation about my identity and who I am called to be/do, and I am so excited about it, I can hardly contain it. For the first time ever I have vision for the future, and passion to pursue it. BOOM

All these thoughts are spinning around in my head …and I have no idea how I will ever have the time to accomplish any of it. I am overloaded. Overspent. Disappointed. Hopeless. Depressed. Hiding.

Then, a few weeks ago, I went to coffee with my best friend, Rachelle. God bless Rachelle. She is never fooled by my junk, and is always so polite to uncover it and let me sit in it for a while until I realize that somethin’ is stinkin’ somewherez. We were having a conversation about who knows what, and somehow it got onto the topic of my sad sorry life where I accomplish nothing because I have no time because I am always so exhausted I can hardly get out of bed in the morning. I threw at her every sob story that I had, and at the end of it her response was, “Krissy, I think that’s normal.”

Over the days that followed, her comment kept coming back to me. It was like I was still having a fight with her about it. I’d wake up in the morning exhausted and I could hear it in my head echoing… “Krissy, I think that’s normal.” WHAT?! HELLO, THIS IS NOT NORMAL!

 
Then finally, in that instant – the Lord asked me that sobering question - and my life was turned upside-down.

 
It was like a rainfall of reality started sprinkling down over me.

For as long as I can remember, I have been waiting for the day that I wake up and feel like getting out of bed; waiting for the day that I feel like exercising; waiting for the day that I feel like changing diapers, making breakfast, reading books, playing trains, doing laundry, washing dishes, vacuuming the floor, cleaning toilets, etc. I began seeing flashes of past conversations with other moms about babies not sleeping through the night, flashes of memories of Elijah hitting snooze on his alarm clock, flashes of coworkers drinking energy drinks before their shift…

I realized that for the last 29.99 years I have believed, despite all the evidence against it, that I am the only person who is tired. When in reality, I am just the one who hasn’t pressed through. As I look back on my life I can see from the start of one thing to the unfinished end of another, so many things that I started and never pressed through to the finish.

This could be a really depressing end to this post, but it’s not, THANK GOD! This is like the best 30^th birthday present I could ever receive! It is a missing piece to the puzzle. It is the revelation that propels me into a totally new level of productivity and purpose for the next portion of my life. For the last four weeks I have been getting up early and exercising, pressing through the “too tired” feeling, and experiencing reordered, exciting days! For the first time in a long time, I am not overloaded – I am able to focus on where I am headed. I am not overspent – there seems to be more time in the day. I am not disappointed – I know the Lord is going to come through for me. I am not hopeless – I see that I can accomplish what the Lord has given me to do. I am not depressed – my heart is light and happy. I am not hiding – I am stepping into the light and walking in faith.

So as I sit here staring at thirty I am overcome with thankfulness. It seems like every single day I catch another glimpse of just how gracious God has been to me. If I was that blind and unproductive for my first thirty years… World, you better watch out.

And you know God always brings it back around. Somehow, after all of my ‘wasted’ moments, one thing I have become certain of is that no matter what hardship or impossibility seems to be coming against us, if we keep running and we PRESS THROUGH, God always brings us to triumph on the other side. It is that experience - those flashes of time where God steps in and takes us from point A to point C, and how we got there really doesn’t seem real or make sense - where the circle of “present crisis” intersects with the circle of “the other side” – it forms a window into the miraculous every-day moments where we experience God, and he blows our mind.

This last year has been the best year of my life yet – I say that every year pretty much, but it’s always true. This year has been full of healing, restoration and revelation. I am standing now, looking up at the top of the mountain and for the first time ever, I am ready to overtake it.

Cheers to Thirty