It is amazing to me how anything and everything can impact
us, especially as children, and in so many different ways! As you all know by
now, the thing showing up in many areas of my life the most is FEAR. And
although I have been dealing with the Lord about it in each situation when it
arises, I have wondered… “Will I ever get rid of fear?” It seems like it came
in to my life in so many different places, it’s been a little overwhelming.
Well, this is an exchange I MUST share with you!
Now that I am sitting here on the other side of it I see
layers and layers that the Lord has been peeling off of me regarding this issue
of fear. His intention is always to get to the root of the issue and cut it
off, but I had some blocks (layers) that had to be dealt with before I could
even get close.
On Wednesday night I was laying in bed unable to fall
asleep. I asked the Lord if he was keeping me awake, and if so what his reason
was. Randomly a memory popped into my head, a memory that I recall often:
The summer before I
turned five years old my family took a trip to Big Bear, CA. In my memory, we
were driving through the town along the road that followed the lake, and out of
my window I saw a plane crash. I can see the image as if it had happened
yesterday. I remember driving by, unable to direct my eyes away from the sight
– a man in a yellow shirt hanging out of the plane upside down with blood
running all down his face, another body lying still on the ground in front. The
accident had just happened moments before – I was traumatized.
At the time of the incident, I didn’t know how to
communicate or even identify what was going on inside me. But I remember doing
everything I could, including eavesdropping on my parents late night
conversations, trying to catch tidbits of information about what happened; I
wanted to know everything.
Now here I am, almost 25 years later, lying in my bed and
feeling the same curious trauma as the Lord replays the picture before me. I
needed an exchange. I started to go there - asked the Lord to take me back to
the situation so that I could relive all the emotions and thoughts that were
going on inside me. I asked him to show me where he was, and I saw it again.
This time I saw a gigantic Jesus, wearing the white robe get-up and everything,
leaning over and holding up the front of the plane. I didn’t know what he was
doing, but he was big and he was there. I began asking him to show me the lies
that I started believing… and that’s when I hit a block. I kept getting
distracted and couldn’t concentrate. I needed help. Obviously at 3 in the
morning Elijah is asleep…and I am usually awake.
I love that quote thing that says something to the tune of,
“I don’t want to sleep like a baby, I want to sleep like my husband.” True dat.
And I digress…
So I stopped there and waited until the next evening when
Elijah was home to help me walk through the process. I had no idea how big a
deal this was going to be, and I am so glad the Lord wouldn’t let me move
forward without help! It is great to be able to get healing and truth from the
Lord on our own with the help of the Holy Spirit, but sometimes we just can’t
do it all on our own. Duh, God created us to need each other, right?
So the next night as Elijah and I are going through the
exchange these three main lies come out from their hiding place:
1. People get robbed of time when they die, and I don’t want
to be robbed.
2. All death is bloody and traumatic and hurts real bad, I
don’t want to die.
3. It is my responsibility to make sure that I NEVER DIE.
Da, da da! behold! A huge door was uncovered. The door I was
not sure I would ever see, but there it was and all this time it had been
poking around right under my nose! The elusive door to FEAR. I have spoken about
being afraid of death with people and not thought anything of it. I have been
unable to even let my mind think about death for more than a few seconds before
I quickly become a crying depressed mess, and my joy plummets into the pit of
despair. Hello! Problem? Yes. I couldn’t see it. But on this night, the Lord
brought it all out into the open. Not only was I believing some huge lies, I
had built my way of life on the foundation of these lies! How much different
would you live your life if you thought it was your responsibility to figure
out a way to live forever? Don’t answer that. It’s ridiculous. And of course I
know that I can’t live forever, so for years I have resorted to begging God to
take me home on a flaming chariot like the prophet Elijah. Gotta confess, I was
struggling having faith for that one. These were lies I believed even before I could
process reality. Crazy huh?
I went through the process. I exchanged each lie reckoning
it dead at the cross, and asked the Lord to show me what the truth was. I
received the truth and even embraced his way of transition. I forgave the pilot
for crashing. I forgave my parents for not understanding what was going on with
me and not talking to me about it. I repented for believing God was a robber of
time. I repented for believing the lies… all of them (there were more than just
3). I forgave myself for opening up my doors and giving place to fear.
If that isn’t enough to make you feel lighter, it just gets
better!
One thing that I really enjoy about the Lord is his sense of
humor. He knows I love funny things and laughing, so he is pretty playful in
our relationship. He is the king of discretion, so of course he always makes a
laugh at the right time (-: Anyway, after I did the exchanging, I asked him to
take me back again and show me where he was this time, after the junk was
cleared away… it totally surprised me! I may have even physically jumped in my
seat. The memory started playing – I am sitting in the car looking out the
window when all of a sudden, ssssshhhhhwap! This silly cartoon Jesus smacks
into my window, like a bug splatting on a windshield. Instead of seeing a big
Jesus, I saw ONLY Jesus. I never saw the crash. I chose to keep this memory and
discard the other.
It is so awesome to see his heart for me in those moments.
He is always a little distant before I get rid of the lies. Once they are gone
he is always right there, so close! Always protecting me and beckoning me to go
up higher. And that is the truth. Unfortunately I don’t always see him when it
is happening, but thank God for redemption, and his sovereignty to make up the
time.
The final step in the exchange process is to ask the Lord to
show a redemptive picture. Could be anything, but it usually shows his original
intent being set in as the new way in that area of your life.
I was already pretty excited about cartoon Jesus in my
window, I was laughing and free. But this is my favorite part. I leaned my head
back on the couch and closed my eyes.
“Lord, show me your redemptive picture.”
Immediately I saw this little red light far off in the
distance. The room I was in looked like a military lock down room, like what
you see in the movies. Might be what the inside of a tank looks like but
bigger, I dunno. There were tiny little windows circling above me that allowed
me to see outside from every angle. The land was dark and desolate. As I moved
in closer to the red light I realized it was a button.
“God, what is that? It looks like a detonator or something.”
He responded, “That’s exactly what it is. Are you ready?”
I sat there for a second, then suddenly I apprehended what
was about to happen. I threw my fist into the air and shouted “YES I AM!”
I grabbed the detonator and pushed the button - Then I
watched out the windows as multiple streams of explosions waved out in every
direction from my central location into the distant horizon.
This was the day the thread of fear was pulled from my life.
Thank you GOD for your resurrection life coming in and
reviving this dead place within me!
And now comes the practical part. I finally get to grow up in this area of my life! I am
not stuck being 4 years old and unable to deal with fear. I get to learn to
live life being governed by FAITH.
How great, how wide, how deep is your love for us God!
