So Long Selfish

Even as I am sitting down to write this, I am being hit hard by it. I’ve seen it, but the thing itself fights against exposure. It doesn’t want to be dealt with, it wants a forever home. Well, today I am kicking it to the curb and stepping into the next glory.

I have noticed recently more than ever that I whine a lot. I don’t even realize that I am doing it until it is either pointed out to me by someone else, or it just gets out of control and I feel my emotions slipping into negative space. I think I could probably find a reason to whine in every situation, even the ones I like! What the heck is that? I’ve been asking myself the “Why Whine?” question for several months now, and today the Holy Spirit kinda nailed me.

BINGO – I am super selfish. For the sake of perception, let’s restate – I have been super selfish!

I was lying in bed with my son trying to get him to take a nap. Since he turned 3, I can count on my fingers and toes how many times he’s taken one – it requires me pinning him down in his bed, and every five seconds reminding him to lay still and keep his eyes closed. Once in a while it works, Hallelujah! Well today as I was exercising my nap-making skills, I realized that I wanted him to take a nap. I want him to stop peeing in his underwear. I want to take a nap too. I want to not have to deal with a bunch of anything. I want everything to work out and happen the way, when, where, why, how, with, what (squirrel!) the way I want it to. And when things don’t work out in the way that I like best, guess what: I WHINE.

I have been like the little kid who throws a temper tantrum in the store because she didn’t get every single toy on the shelf. I really do struggle with an internal fit whenever a situation approaches that I know is going to detract from the likelihood of me getting my way. I think I might be the most selfish person I have ever met. The biggest struggle I have as a parent is when my kids are doing things that aggravate or disinterest me. I have forgone connecting with them because I DON’T WANT TO READ THE CAT IN THE HAT EVER AGAIN!

And that's just scratching the surface. It goes way, way, way deeper than that - there is no end to its devious way. It’s a flip switch in the core of my being. It steals compassion, kindness, generosity, adventure, trust, relationship, joy, health, peace, respect, repentance, LIFE! It pollutes the pure flow of who I am designed to be and turns it into a half-breed existence with heaven and hell.  

Just like when dog poo squishes up between your toes and you can finally see the thing that’s been stinkin’ under your foot for the last 30 steps… yep. That’s my selfishness. I saw for the first time today how I have lived for so long with such selfish motivation. I really want to just be sick and nasty over it (and maybe whine a little) but it’s probably better to let it go and move on, right? That’s what I am going to do.

I am not saying that it is bad to get our way ever, or that we should always read The Cat In The Hat or that it’s bad to desire things to be or go a certain way…

But I think if we let the hell side of it go, everything can become a blessing in our lives – when things go exactly how we want, or when they go a different way we don’t expect. If the selfishness stays, it is close to impossible to receive the blessing of the different way.

I repented to the Lord for allowing selfishness to take up such a huge place in my life and asked him to be I AM in that place.

I am ready to experience the blessing on every side.

So long selfish, you are dead to me.